It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song. You can't believe it; you were always singing along. Yes, that's exactly how this feels like. Not knowing yourself that well anymore... feeling so lost and helpless when you realize that the only thing you've done well in your life makes no sense to you anymore. It was so easy and the words so sweet. It's like waking up, everyday, promising yourself that this day is going to be better. This day is going to end better than yesterday, and this day will show you that you are back in the game. This awakening, this hopeful awakening will lead you to believe that today is going to be different, that in this day you are going to find yourself again. But no, you cannot remember when you try to feel the beat. Maybe you do not belong there anymore. Maybe you have to accept that it's time for a huge change in your life -- an impact. And hiding behind your pink curtains will not do it. Maybe it is time you start considering quitting - but not quitting from life, of course. Quitting from those choices that no longer seem appealing to you; interesting. But it was so easy and the words so sweet -- so part of you wants to hold on to that. One half shouts to you "fight all this apathy back" the other half says "just give up". While this struggle of opposites goes on, you get torn apart. You get torn into a million little pieces... 3 years gone, all that effort, dedication and hard work.
So what is it going to be?
Time is running out and you have to make a decision. You have to make a decision before it becomes impossible to glue all those pieces back together.
***
OMG. Just OMG. This is like... me a year ago. It's horrible, and it's like a burden on your shoulders that you don't even know if it'll go away when you finally make a decision. I'm sorry you're going through this. I really am.
ResponderExcluirYes, you totally get my point. It's like this shadowboxing, you know, but there is no oponent. You are all alone on the arena, fighting youserlf to the point where you don't know when and if it's ever going to stop.
ResponderExcluirBut tell me, dear, when you finally made a decision... how'd it feel?
The best thing in the world. I don't regret it. I was feeling bad, absurdly bad, and I made it stop. It's amazing the sensation of taking control of your life, to make it change because you simply want it to change. It's pretty sad when you realize you don't quite fit in society's 'traditions', though. It's frustrating to be different and to want different things for yourself when everybody is counting on you to be more than you want to be. But that's just me and the consequences I'm having to deal with.
ResponderExcluirI feel your pain. All the pressure from society that expects every single one of us to be the same. It's really hard when we don't belong, but you know what? I think there's something great and special about being "different". I've been different all of my life, I've always been the outcast, and for many years I felt like there was something wrong with me. Only now I've learned to come to terms with that, and it feels great.
ResponderExcluirAs for my decision, there's so much at stake, and many people are going to get affected by it. Maybe I'm just scared and tired and confused. I wish I had a little time to think about it all, but the routine and all the tasks I have to accomplish won't allow me. I just think I need a moment to breath. That's all.
It is so hard when you find yourself doing something that you always thought it was what you are, what you wanted to be and to do... only because you were doing this... without being sure if that is what you want for your life now... without knowing if it is what you are...
ResponderExcluirAnd suddenly you find yourself worrying about people's reaction and how they would be affected by your choices, and how you would feel about changing... You want it to change, but you do not do anything... you just keep living this life you do not know you like...
Yes, but you can only stand this for so long. I know that soon I'll have to make a decision: the sooner, the better.
ResponderExcluir