morning after

And in those arms I felt safe. Just for a few hours, in those arms, I felt safer than ever. Safer not because I thought that that moment would last forever or because I hoped it would happen over and over again. Safer because in that tiny little moment I could feel the forever. In that tiny little moment I forgot the world outside, and I felt like nothing could get to me. Nothing could destroy what I was feeling! And what was I feeling? Words are going to fail me now, as I do not seem able to find the exact perfect words to describe what happened in that tiny little moment -- but I remember. I remember vividly the warmth; the breath, the coziness  of those arms. I remember wishing that it would go on and on, thinking that the world could end at that exact moment, because nothing else mattered.

And then those eyes. It was not dark enough for me not to stare into those hazel eyes -- as it was not dark enough for me to not get lost into those brown woods of eyes. And so I did. I got lost -- and I was not looking for my way back. I went further and further into those woods... and the feeling of helplesness was not scary. The knowing that I could not get back to where I was before did not scare me. I knew, at that moment, that if I had not got lost, I would have not been where I had been. I would have not experienced what I had the chance to experience. To touch. To feel. Deeper and deeper. Darker and darker, until finally the pitch-black of slumber.

Across the night and then all the way back in those arms. In that room. On that bed. The morning sun, and reality. The eyes opened; the blur slowly dissolving back to reality: those two hazel eyes. And for once I was happier with reality than I ever thought I would be. It was a magic-y reality. A dreamy reality.

And I wondered... was I still asleep? 

***

hello darkness, my old friend

I feel as boundless as the dark. And the dark is getting deeper and deeper, and I simply do not know how to get out. I want to open the windows, to let fresh air and the sunshine in, still I do not move. I want to smile and really mean it. I want to feel passionate about something again. I want to believe that everything is going to be okay, still I do not move. Here I am, sitting in the dark, writing this senseless post, rambling about my boring little situation. I want to go back to when I used to make my bed everyday. I want to go back to when I used to go to classes because I was looking forward to learning something new - I have this opportunity to learn, to expand my horizons, then why am I here? Why am I here, watching tv series like there is no tomorrow? I guess I do it so that I will not have to face reality. My own reality. Which is not bad, not bad at all, and I know it. I have everything anyone could ask for, and I really do not mean to be ungrateful. It is just that there is this hole, this darkness, and it keeps me from reaching the light.

While this goes on, I miss great hours. Hours I could be doing something great for myself, for the ones I love, the ones I want to make feel proud. Days I could be enjoying my life, enjoying the wonderful family and friends I have. Days I should NOT waste by complaining about my NON-problematic life.

***

I am drawn to the darkness.

But I should not be.

There is no reason to.

I...just...am.

...E hoje eu tive que quebrar a janela.

Ela estava suja e impedia a minha visão clara do mundo. A única visão que eu tinha era através daquele vidro sujo, mas eu queria uma visão clara e bonita, não embaçada e distorcida. Quebrando a janela eu deixei muitas coisas pra trás, coisas as quais eu queria continuar apegada. Mas estas coisas estavam mudando o que sou e me impedindo de seguir em frente. Quebrando a janela eu pude ter a MINHA visão de volta, pois a vista ATRAVÉS da janela não era de fato minha.

Quebrei a janela para deixar ele intacto. E me deixar intacta. Melhor quebrar a janela do que SE quebrar.

Então eu tive que quebrar a janela

Simplesmente não teve outro jeito

E é melhor quebrar a janela

Do que esquecer o que precisava falar

Ou perder o que deveria ver

Ou quebrar ele ou ela ou eu

ESPECIALMENTE EU

O vidro pode estar estilhaçado, mas eu estou intacta. E ganhei minha visão.

E é isso que mais importa.

***

"Amor igual ao teu eu nunca mais terei..."

É que eu te amei naquela manhã de domingo como eu nunca havia amado ninguém. É que eu me permiti amar como eu jamais julguei possível. Eu amei demais nossos olhos no dia seguinte, a luz do sol entrando pelas janelas, e eu sentindo os raios invadindo e aquecendo o quarto. E também te amei quando você falava de coisas interessantes e expressava suas idéias e eu tentava inutilmente te entender. Você foi o desafio que eu nunca esperei e também o mistério que nunca solucionei. Eu só sei que amei. Amei as mãos, e quando essas mãos estavam nas minhas, e eu conseguia sentir nelas o mundo e a realidade de tudo aquilo. Amei os cabelos, quando eu passava os dedos por sua macieza castanha, e cada fibra do meu corpo se dissolvia e eu queria que aquilo jamais acabasse. E a boca... claro que amei a boca. Amei a boca, porque quando os lábios encontraram os meus e o mundo se abriu em mil cores e amores, eu nem me reconhecia mais de tanto sentimento.

Também continuei amando, mesmo depois de ter ido embora. Te amei quando você me deu aquele abraço de despedida, e eu sabia que aquela seria a última vez que nos veríamos (pelo menos por muito tempo). Te amei pela lembrança doce que seria. Pela lembrança boa que és.

Amei pelo simples fato de teres sido. De ser. E de continuar sendo.

***

"E então eu adoro" (C.L.)